TITLE: Minutes of Order of the Phoenix Meeting, 28th June 1997
RATING/WARNINGS: Gen, very mild swearing. No Deathly Hallows spoilers - based at the end of book 6.
PAIRING(S): None, really.
SUMMARY: Even in a war, it's important to follow procedure.
DISCLAIMER: Don't own Harry Potter.
Chairperson: Alastor Moody
Secretary: Minerva McGonagall
Albus Dumbledore sent his apologies on account of being dead. Armando Dippet attended by painting on his behalf.
Remus Lupin sent his apologies on account of it being full moon.
Severus Snape sent his apologies on account of the fact he would happily stick his quill through his own eyeball if it meant he didn’t have to spend another two hours shut in a room with the Order of the
The apologies of Albus Dumbledore and Remus Lupin were accepted.
The apology of Severus Snape was not accepted, and a warning was issued by the chairperson for continued nonattendance of meetings. Queries were raised about whether this was necessary for a cowardly murdering traitor, however it was decided that formalities should be followed.
Sturgis Podmore confirmed that on investigation it seems that You-Know-Who is indeed back from the dead, as if that weren’t bloody obvious by now, no matter what the fools at the Ministry have to say about it.
Arthur Weasley objected to this comment. The Chairperson upheld this objection, and Sturgis Podmore apologised and said that only most of the Ministry were fools. This apology was accepted.
Hestia Jones reported that the repeated lateness of trains from Platform Nine And Three Quarters appeared to be due to leaves on the line and completely unpreventable in the British railway system. She suggested that anyone who had to get anywhere in hurry take another form of transport.
As the return of You-Know-Who is now confirmed, suggestions were taken of how to deal with this threat. It was proposed that Harry Potter should go on to fight him, as suggested in earlier meetings. However, objections were raised at the idea of leaving the world in the hands of a teenage boy. It was felt that this would be unfair to the boy, and to the world.
In the absence of alternative suggestions, it was decided that there was no choice but to continue on this course of action, but that other ideas should be researched. It was suggested that Ronald Weasley might prove a suitable companion for Harry Potter in saving the world, and that Hermione Granger should attempt to keep them both alive, as they are after all teenage boys with a proven track record of nearly getting killed on a regular basis. These motions were passed, despite objections as to the suitability of those two.
Molly Weasley: Will equip Harry Potter, Hermoine Granger and Ronald Weasley to save world.
Harry Potter: Will attempt to save world. Also to work on not dying (unless it conflicts with the action of saving the world).
Ronald Weasley: Will attempt to stop being self obsessed for long enough to help save world.
Hermione Granger: Will attempt to stop Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley from getting themselves killed. A medal is being prepared for her willingness to take an impossible task.
Aberforth Dumbledore: Will explore alternative methods for saving world, preferably involving goats.
Rubeus Hagrid raised a complaint against Severus Snape, relating to the matter of him being “ a greasy-haired bastard who everyone knows murdered Dumbledore.”
The floor was opened for further complaints, and the following complaints were taken against Severus Snape.
- · Being a greasy-haired bastard.
- · Continued non-attendance of Order meetings.
- · Murder of Albus Dumbledore.
- · Being a REALLY greasy-haired bastard.
- · Having no sense of humour.
- · Holding an unfair prejudice against Gryffindors, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuff.
- · Looking down his nose at people and or making them cry
- · High probability of traitorous behaviour which might imperil the saving of the world effort.
- · Still being a greasy-haired bastard.
The Chairman of the meeting agreed to initiate disciplinary proceedings against Severus Snape in absentia, but reminded the meeting that ‘being a greasy-haired bastard’ is not, at this moment in time, an offence requiring discipline, and nor is ‘having no sense of humour’.
Alastor Moody: Will initiate disciplinary proceedings against Severus Snape. With prejudice.
Rubeus Hagrid: Will raise matter of ‘being a greasy-haired bastard’ being added to disciplinary offences next meeting.
Nymphadora Tonks: Will raise matter of ‘having no sense of humour ‘ being added to disciplinary offences next meeting.
Minerva McGonagall raised a concern about the continued high accident rate at Hogwarts. Accidents were listed as including, but not being restricted to; attack by Basilisk, attack by Hippogriff, Dementor attack, attack by ogre.
Particular concerns were raised about Care of Magical Creatures classes and Defence of the Dark Arts classes. It was questioned whether these incidents were even being logged in any kind of Accident Book.
Several attendees questioned whether this should be the business of this organisation, however, the point was made that such incidents affected Hogwart’s insurance coverage, and in the event of attack by You-Know-Who, such coverage was likely to be greatly needed.
The question was raised of whether Hogwart’s current insurance did indeed cover it in the event of attack by You-Know-Who. It was pointed out that Harry Potter was involved in 90% of hazardous activities and accidents at Hogwarts and might potentially need his own section of risk assessments.
Rubeus Hagrid: Will attend course on Risk Assessment with particular focus of how not to get sued in Care of Magical Creatures lessons.
Minerva McGonagall: Will perform Risk Assessment on possibility of attack by You-Know-Who.
Minerva McGonagall: Will investigate Hogwarts’ current insurance coverage and make arrangements for Harry Potter to be covered as a separate condition.
Hermione Granger made the suggestion that house-elves be outfitted with weapons in order to form an army against You-Know-Who.
Concerns were raised about whether house-elves offered weapons would fight who they were meant to. Concerns were also noted about whether supplying house-elves with weapons holsters would constitute giving them clothing.
There was brief discussion about whether this would be a bad thing. It was noted that asking PureBlood families to give up their house-elves might be a way to drive more of them to join You-Know-Who. It was also noted that some attendees felt that this organisation should not support immoral practices in order to gain supporters. It was debated whether the keeping of house-elves constituted immoral practices. The Chairman of the meeting requested that attendees should try not to get off-track and that they should note that knitting house elf caps was not a skill relevant to the war effort.
Kingsley Shacklebolt: Will perform further research on the feasibility of this suggestion, and to refrain from learning knitting.
Hermione Granger: Will keep out of it, and absolutely not start supplying house elves with weapons holsters without authorisation.
Emmeline Vance raised concerns about the continued selling of junk food to children on the Hogwarts Express, and enquired about the suitability of allowing them to leave Hogwarts to buy more junk food at HoneyDukes during term time. She also raised concerns about tempting children to eat more than they otherwise might with the practice of including collectable cards with certain sweets.
She queried whether this practice would result in the children beginning bad habits that would last a lifetime, and proposed that children be kept to school grounds in term time and that the Hogwarts Express trolley should begin supplying healthy snacks, such as fruit.
The Chairman of the meeting requested that comments be kept constructive after an attendee commented that this hardly seemed to matter as in the present environment ‘a lifetime’ might be about two years if they were lucky.
It was decided that, as it seemed highly unlikely that Voldemort would attempt to attack children by decaying their teeth, this was not a matter for this organisation.
Emmeline Vance to raise concerns at Hogwarts’ Governors meeting.
Any Other Business
Rubeus Hagrid enquired as to why Severus Snape was invited to the meeting in the first place, when he was already known to be “ a traitorous greasy-haired bastard.” It was explained that this was done according to meeting procedures which stated that attendees to previous meetings should be invited on an on-going basis. It was agreed that these procedures should be reviewed next meeting.
Molly Weasley asked why the secret minutes of the secret meeting of a secret society were being written down and circulated, and whether this was not a security risk. It was agreed that the benefits and risks of this practice should be discussed next meeting.